One Small Leap: It’s Time to Put a Beard on the Moon

Well, it’s a leap year, and that magical day is on our minds. That extra day that Julius Caesar cooked up over 2,000 years to straighten out a broken calendar. That weird day that let’s a handful of people tell you every four years they’re only 6 years old. But then “leap” made us think of Neil Armstrong’s famous words, and we wondered why we’ve never seen an astronaut with a beard.

Currently the only facial hair we could find at NASA was mostly on administrators, and there we find a whole lot of mustache and no beard. And don’t get us wrong. Mustaches are cool. But it’s time to represent the people, and the people are increasingly more bearded.

In fact, the only current U.S. astronaut we could find with facial hair is Daniel C. Burbank, who’s been an astronaut for 20 years.

photo of Captain Burbank
Captain Burbank still rockin’ the ‘stache 20 years on.

Captain Burbank is pretty awesome, which may explain the mustache. He was a search and rescue pilot with the Coast Guard, professor of Engineering at the Academy, and has actually been to space, which is more than your facial has ever done. So give him his due.

But adding insult to the injury of so little facial hair in NASA, Administrator Bolden is now clean shaven, when he rocked a classic ‘stache for years.

photo of Administrator Bolden
Administrator Bolden in hairier times.

It’s time to catch up, NASA. Lego’s already got you beat with a new mini-figure that not only sports facial hair but a full beard.

Lego_Astronaut

So get your act together! Take a leap. It’s time to put a beard on the moon.

beard-the-moon

7 Ladies Men Who Rock(ed) Facial Hair

When you were growing your first beard there was probably someone — maybe a parent or even a friend — who tried to tell you to shave for the sake of your love life. They may have told you that women don’t like facial hair, or that you look more handsome clean shaven. But the fact is that you’ll always be more attractive when you have confidence and individuality, and if facial hair helps you get there, shut those people out and be yourself.

Now, we’re not going to tell you that this or that facial hair style is going to get you anything in life. But take a look at these seven faces as Valentine’s Day approaches and think about all of that bad advice. Facial hair never stood in the way of anything, least of all love, charisma, and sexual attraction.

flynn

Errol Flynn

You’ve heard the expression “in like Flynn?” It’s as dirty as you think it is, because Flynn — well — he put it in. Everywhere. And all it took was that tiny little strip of the shortest mustache this side of Prince (who could be on this list, come to think of it). That little mustache gave him an air of sophistication, but it doesn’t work for everybody.

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Tony Stark

We know he’s not real, but he’s one character who really gets around. Like Bruce Wayne without the pretense to morality, he’s a playboy with some vices, and everybody seems to love him for it. The truth is, what people love is Robert Downey Jr.’s charisma funneled through the character, which comes across as roguish charm.

SAO PAULO, BRAZIL - NOVEMBER 06: Lapo Elkann speaks with members of the media in the paddock during previews ahead of the Brazilian Formula One Grand Prix at Autodromo Jose Carlos Pace on November 6, 2014 in Sao Paulo, Brazil. (Photo by Paul Gilham/Getty Images)

Lapo Elkann

Never heard of him? Well, plenty of women have. He’s a style icon in Italy who came into the playboy lifestyle the old-fashioned way: he was born rich. From banking to sports cars, his family set him up for the sweetest life. As easy as it may be to hate him, he can pull off a Steve McQueen vibe better than most.

wilt

Wilt Chamberlain

Known as Wilt the Stilt for his height, he preferred the nickname The Big Dipper, and that he was. He claims to have dipped into 20,000 women over the course of his career, which is about how many points he scored in his first six years in the NBA.

khan

Genghis Khan

The famed warlord of the 12th–13th centuries built the world’s largest empire, and apparently still managed to find the time for extracurricular activities often enough that 1 in 200 men living today is a direct descendant. Who can compete with that kind of longevity?

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David Beckham

Soccer star and perpetual sexiest man candidate in various women’s publications, David Beckham has been married for almost 19 years, but there have been rumors, and given his popularity with the ladies, it’s safe to say he could give the other guys on the list a run for their money if he wanted to.

Russell Brand arrives at the MTV Movie Awards in Universal City, Calif., on Sunday, June 6, 2010. (AP Photo/Chris Pizzello)

Russell Brand

The British comic has a reputation as a ladies man, and has left a lot of people wondering how a scrawny, scruffy, almost effeminate guy can have the effect he does. But let’s face it: rock stars have walked that line for ages, and they always say ladies love a sense of humor.

So forget that bad advice, and define your own style. Be your own kind of man, and people will respond. Do what you want with your facial hair. Just make sure you treat it right. Like we always say: Don’t shave it. Maintain it.

7 New Year’s Resolutions for you and your beard

Okay. Now that you’re back to work and rethinking those resolutions, we have some notes on some of the least successful resolutions. Maybe we can help you keep ’em.

Learn Something New

Let’s get this one out of the way. Did you know that a recent study showed peppermint oil may facilitate hair growth? Our Fresh Mint Beard Care line is made with real peppermint oil. Just sayin’.

Travel

Alright, well, we can’t help you get there, but when you’re ready to go be sure to pack some Beard Saver, the beard oil alternative. Unlike oil you don’t have to worry about it leaking and leaving a greasy puddle in the bottom of your luggage. And equally portable is the Ultimate Beard Brush, a classic military brush that was designed for men of action.

Be Healthier

What’s healthier than a face free of ingrown hairs and flaky skin? Okay, that’s not a fair question. But that’s certainly healthier than the opposite. We designed our products to deal with these problems so you don’t have to. Let our natural oils and do their work and your face at least will look and feel better.

Quit Smoking

This one’s easy. Grab a Beard Kit Trio. Get that beard smelling and feeling amazing and then ask yourself, “do I want to spoil this?” Caution: May replace nicotene addiction with lime or peppermint oil addiction.

Volunteer & Help Others

One underserved community is that of your bearded brothers. So many suffer needlessly with beard itch, beardruff, and other sad fates. You can volunteer your time and expertise to guide them to a brighter future. And it doesn’t take much: tell someone about Bluebeards Original.

Be More Social

Not that kind of social, but you can do that to. We’re talking about getting out and meeting people. Join a beard club! Trust us. They’re everywhere, and we’ve know a lot of these guys for a long time. They’re good people, and they won’t ask you silly questions, like “when are you gonna shave that thing.”

Drink LessEh, you’re on your own here. But maybe letting that mustache grow will keep you from wanting to dip your whiskers into your lager. Might help.

Let’s see which of these can keep. We believe in you.

A Twisted Christmas Classic: Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

You can cozy up with some egg nog for this one (though it’s quick), but don’t let the kids see this twisted Christmas classic. Bluebeards Original presents Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, how it should have been.


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Rudolph with your nose so bright, won’t you guide my sleigh tonight?


santa-please

Santa, please!


rudolph-talking

You know, Santa: you’ve been a real a-hole to me right up till now. Good luck!


so-long-sucka

So long, sucka!


sad-santa

Wha— what just happened?

5 Movie Santas to Make your Holiday Better

JackAsSanta

You’ve got to hand it to ol’ Jack Skellington. Everyone knows that bones are genetically incapable of growing facial hair (as they have no faces), but he new how important the beard was to the character, so he made sure to keep the magic for the kids and wear a false beard. We sympathize, Jack. It must be rough to be consigned to beardlessness forever.

bad-santa

Everyone’s favorite bad Santa, Billy Bob Thornton, may have worn a false beard but he had that stubble going and you can tell he’d grow a killer beard if he wanted to. Now maybe his sour disposition could’ve been alleviated with a little Beard Saver, the beard oil alternative.

 

santa-slay

While this Santa bears a striking resemblance to John Travolta, it’s ex-pro wrestler Goldberg playing Santa with a twist: he’s a demon who only brought gifts to children because he lost a bet to an angel. Now that’s one truly bad Santa who could really use a good beard brush.

elf

Ed Asner’s beard in Elf may have been fake, but it was pretty darned good, and he really look like the real deal. No throne of lies for this Santa. You know a Santa this authentic is going to be all about the Triple Mint Trio, with real peppermint oil.

martians

The ultimate Santa, of course, is the one who conquered the Martians. Okay, maybe it’s a bad movie, but it’s a cool concept and a great episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000.