It’s a list of beard terms derived from Greek, or should we say a pogonic glossary? Read on to expand your bearded vocabulary and learn a thing or three.
Pogonate, adj. The Bearded.
Constans II, who ruled the Byzantine empire in the middle of the 7th century, was known by the nickname Pogonatos, “the “Bearded,” and if you look at his portrait on this coin you’ll know why. He had arguably the longest beard of any of the emperors, Roman or Byzantine. His mustache game is on point, too,
Bearded; (Of a feather) having a vane.
This is really an ornithological term applied to vaned feathers, and I guess feathers kind of look like hair. Anyway, it was later co-opted as a humorous, faux-academic synonym of “bearded.” You can use it as a synonym of the previous word, or use both and pretend the difference matters. No one will know the truth.
TO BE AVOIDED
pogonotomy, n. Cutting the beard; shaving.
Bearded is better than not, but if you ever have to shave, we’ll still be here for you to help you get it back and keep your beard itch-free. I guess this could also apply to the Amish beard-cutting case that was in the news for a while. We have a zero tolerance policy on the crime of pogonotomy!
pogonologist, n. Someone writes about beards.
Wait a minute. If I’m writing this, do I get to call myself a pogonologist? I think I need to update my resume. Now, this guy down here isn’t really a beard scholar, but he should have been. (Despite their undisputed existence, no pogonlogist has ever been photographed in the wild.)
pogonology, n. A treatise on beards.
And this is what pogonologists produce. Did you even realize that people actually used to write entire books about beards? And they call it a trend. Read a book, people!
pogonion, n. A point on the middle of the chin.
We think this had something to do with weird old theories about measuring people’s heads. But “Beard Point” sounds like it might have some good campgrounds.
GROWING A BEARD
pogoniasis, n. Beard growth by a woman.
The bearded lady could be said to have pogoniasis, but in reality this old-school medical term is very rare. It’s fun to say, though.
pogonotrophy, n. Growing a beard.
Well, gents, this is what we’re all up to, isn’t it? Whatever stage, we’re in the throes of pogonotrophy, which sounds more mysterious than “growing a beard.” Incidentally, if you’re having a rough time with your own pogonotrophy, remember to keep your facial hair clean and moisturized. We’re pretty sure this guy did, and we hope he won some kind of pogonotrophy trophy.
pogonic, adj. Of or relating to a beard.
And here’s our catch-all term. Anything and everything related to beards can be called pogonic. Pogonic washes, and conditioners. Pogonic brushes and pogonic love. And don’t forget pogonic envy, which you know everyone feels when you enter the room. Oh, and pogonic scurf, AKA beardruff or beard dandruff, which we can help you get rid of.
There’s something old-timey about it all, and makes it sound like you’re up on the soapbox selling your wares at the World’s Fair.
Step right up, one and all, to procure for yourself—or the beard you love—one or many of our fine variety of pogonic washes and lotions, rigorously tested on the manliest of beards! Our unique formulas were developed by a team of the world’s most gifted pogonologists! Guaranteed to aid the pogonate and further the cause and progress of pogonotrophy for all. And let’s not forgot the womenfolk! If pogonotomy is not a solution (and really, why should it be?), ladies experiencing pogoniasis will find relief as well! Recommended by the most respected journals in the field of pogonology! Sir! Would you care to demonstrate for the fine folks here assembled? Just apply a small amount to your pogonion—that’s right—and massage it through the facial hair. Another satisfied customer, ladies and gentlemen!
Alright. We’ve been spending too much time in the dictionary.