One Small Leap: It’s Time to Put a Beard on the Moon

Well, it’s a leap year, and that magical day is on our minds. That extra day that Julius Caesar cooked up over 2,000 years to straighten out a broken calendar. That weird day that let’s a handful of people tell you every four years they’re only 6 years old. But then “leap” made us think of Neil Armstrong’s famous words, and we wondered why we’ve never seen an astronaut with a beard.

Currently the only facial hair we could find at NASA was mostly on administrators, and there we find a whole lot of mustache and no beard. And don’t get us wrong. Mustaches are cool. But it’s time to represent the people, and the people are increasingly more bearded.

In fact, the only current U.S. astronaut we could find with facial hair is Daniel C. Burbank, who’s been an astronaut for 20 years.

photo of Captain Burbank
Captain Burbank still rockin’ the ‘stache 20 years on.

Captain Burbank is pretty awesome, which may explain the mustache. He was a search and rescue pilot with the Coast Guard, professor of Engineering at the Academy, and has actually been to space, which is more than your facial has ever done. So give him his due.

But adding insult to the injury of so little facial hair in NASA, Administrator Bolden is now clean shaven, when he rocked a classic ‘stache for years.

photo of Administrator Bolden
Administrator Bolden in hairier times.

It’s time to catch up, NASA. Lego’s already got you beat with a new mini-figure that not only sports facial hair but a full beard.

Lego_Astronaut

So get your act together! Take a leap. It’s time to put a beard on the moon.

beard-the-moon

Seven Beards So Icy Your Face Will Hurt

It’s gettin’ cold out there, so we thought we’d snag some of the best frozen face fuzz we could find. This’ll make you appreciate that warm, cozy spot in front of your monitor (or wherever you’re huddled with your mobile device). Just remember, if this happens to you, be sure to treat your beard right with a little BBO TLC.

First up is this gem found on Tumblr. We like how his beard could easily be mistaken for a shrub frozen over in a winter storm:

Lang Leve de Baard

 


 

Bonus points to these speed skaters both for keeping up at their age and for the ice beards that perfectly blend into their white face fuzz:

weissensee

 


 

This is one dude you know was just working hard and earned his ice. This ain’t no hipster posing:

Blizzard of December 26-27,2010

 


 

Next we have some winter sports (post) action with a bit of a noticeable wind swept effect across the beard:

mountain

 


 

Last but certainly not least it’s a twofer with Tormund Giantsbane and Mance Rayder, because Winter is not only coming: it’s already here. Here are the two cats who could use the use the full range of Bluebeards Original beard care, for everything from stubble to full beards.

tormund-mance

3 Ways Beards Get Touched & What They Mean

Touching a beard has had a lot of different meanings throughout history. At various times people have believed that if a child touched a man’s beard, he would be the child’s godfather. Touching a beard could be a good thing, protecting you from ever incurring the beard owner’s wrath. In the middle ages it could even be a bad thing and a pretext to a duel.

People today are split on beard touching, but the stakes really aren’t as high as they were in the past. We can move past the superstition and the violence and look at the three main ways your beard is touched.

First up: Touching Your Own Beard

The beard is a sign of wisdom, and by stroking it or smoothing your mustache you draw even more attention to that mark of manhood and maturity. It sends a signal that you’re thoughtful and deliberate, and probably even sends signals to your brain to keep yourself cool and rational in tense situations.

Still, there are right and wrong ways to touch your beard.

There’s the Jedi way, which is to use your beard for non-verbal communication. Even that bare-faced baby Vader knows what Obi Wan means when he strokes his mustache suggestively. “You ready to do this?”

whiskers-whisper

 

There’s the Kill Bill way, stroking a long beard to punctuate an icy stare. Never mind that the beard is fake here. This says, “I’m as badass as my beard is long and you know it.”

fake-beard-sass

 

You can also just touch your beard to keep it looking fresh when you know you look good. It doesn’t take much. You don’t need to be a tough guy all the time. You’re allowed to enjoy your beard in all its glory.

i-look-good

 

Just, uh, don’t get carried away with yourself.

i-like-myself-too-much

 

Now when it comes to other people touching your beard, you can break it down into two categories: admiration or jealousy. This makes sense, because scientists think we have facial hair for the same reason some other primates do, which is to attract mates and demonstrate supremacy to competitors.

Second: A Touch of Jealousy

Now, when a beardless guy tugs at your face fuzz, he may be trying to assert himself by literally taking possession of that threat to his masculinity. But he may just be insecure about his own difficulty to grow facial hair or the social pressures that keep him shaved. You see this kind of behavior commonly when celebrities grow beards and interviewers run short on genuine questions.

Poor Zach Galifianakis has probably endured this more than anyone, though in fairness he’s been known to mess with people by shaving and wearing a false beard. To his credit, he grows a glorious beard pretty quickly.

real-beard

 

A guy like Jon Hamm grows a beard and some guys don’t know what to do. The insecurity on Matt Lauer’s bald face is pretty uncomfortable, and Jon certainly seems less than thrilled, but has a pretty respectable reaction that gives him the win in an awkward situation. Anyone watching knows which one of these guys is more natural and comfortable with himself.

not-a-real-man

 

Third: A Touch of Affection

Sometimes touching a beard is like hugging an old friend. Some people just plain love beards and the guys who have them. And really, what’s not to love? They like the warmth, the texture, the general sense that they’re with a guy who’s at the head of the pack. This is especially true if you don’t take yourself too seriously and stomp around letting everyone know how macho you think you are. Be you. Be cool. Be bearded. And the love will just come to you. And trust us: if you’re a man, people know it. You don’t need to remind them.

ladies

 

You might even see the good luck touch or the congratulatory touch, especially in sports, like this strange one from David Ortiz. (Is he looking for fleas?)

ortiz

 

Sometimes a person will touch your beard to tell the rest of the world, “this bearded man is mine, and damn if my life isn’t good.” Like the captain here. You know he knows how to sail that ship right. And that’s all we’re going to say about that.

captain

 

Sometimes a touch of the beard is an overt come on. It’s tactile. It’s a way to touch someone suggestively in a way that isn’t technically sexual, but everybody knows there’s something else there.

hero

 

Watch out, though, when someone in a relationship starts giving you those vibes. Save the headache. The world is your oyster, and this is one more piece of evidence that you have what they want. Get out there.

good-lover

 

We don’t really need to tell you what to do to get a more touchable beard, do we? Head on over to the beard shop for the best in beard care from the original beard brand, Bluebeards Original.

Top 20 Nicknames for Your Mustache

Celebrate Mustache Monday right and check out our top 20 list of nicknames for your mustache.

20. ‘stache (or ‘tache)

19. cookie duster


18. flavor saver

17. lip curtain

16. soup strainer

15. the ol’ push broom

14. caterpillar

13. crumb catcher

12. mouth mane

11. lady tickler

10. snot catcher

9. tea strainer

8. womb broom

7. mouth brow

6. lip strip

5. muzzle fuzz

4. lip locks

3. dental drapes

2. the reverse Amish

1. fake ID

 

Whether you stick with the ‘stache or go full beardo, we have what you need. From those first growing pains, to keeping fuller growth manageable and smelling great, we’ve been making the products you need since 2005.

Follow us on Twitter at @BluebeardsUSA or check out the Bluebeards Original Facebook page for more beard grooming ideas and advice. And check out the Beard Shop while you’re here!

A Glossary of Beard Terms: Greek Edition

It’s a list of beard terms derived from Greek, or should we say a pogonic glossary? Read on to expand your bearded vocabulary and learn a thing or three.

BEARDED

Pogonate, adj. The Bearded.

Constans II, who ruled the Byzantine empire in the middle of the 7th century, was known by the nickname Pogonatos, “the “Bearded,” and if you look at his portrait on this coin you’ll know why. He had arguably the longest beard of any of the emperors, Roman or Byzantine. His mustache game is on point, too,

constans-ii

pogoniate, adj.

Bearded; (Of a feather) having a vane.

This is really an ornithological term applied to vaned feathers, and I guess feathers kind of look like hair. Anyway, it was later co-opted as a humorous, faux-academic synonym of “bearded.” You can use it as a synonym of the previous word, or use both and pretend the difference matters. No one will know the truth.

pogoniate

TO BE AVOIDED

pogonotomy, n. Cutting the beard; shaving.

Bearded is better than not, but if you ever have to shave, we’ll still be here for you to help you get it back and keep your beard itch-free. I guess this could also apply to the Amish beard-cutting case that was in the news for a while. We have a zero tolerance policy on the crime of pogonotomy!

beard-cutting

ACADEMIC

pogonologist, n. Someone writes about beards.

Wait a minute. If I’m writing this, do I get to call myself a pogonologist? I think I need to update my resume. Now, this guy down here isn’t really a beard scholar, but he should have been. (Despite their undisputed existence, no pogonlogist has ever been photographed in the wild.)

pogonologist

pogonology, n. A treatise on beards.

And this is what pogonologists produce. Did you even realize that people actually used to write entire books about beards? And they call it a trend. Read a book, people!

pogonology

pogonion, n. A point on the middle of the chin.

We think this had something to do with weird old theories about measuring people’s heads. But “Beard Point” sounds like it might have some good campgrounds.

pogonion

GROWING A BEARD

pogoniasis, n. Beard growth by a woman.

The bearded lady could be said to have pogoniasis, but in reality this old-school medical term is very rare. It’s fun to say, though.

bearded-lady

pogonotrophy, n. Growing a beard.

Well, gents, this is what we’re all up to, isn’t it? Whatever stage, we’re in the throes of pogonotrophy, which sounds more mysterious than “growing a beard.” Incidentally, if you’re having a rough time with your own pogonotrophy, remember to keep your facial hair clean and moisturized. We’re pretty sure this guy did, and we hope he won some kind of pogonotrophy trophy.

growing-beard

pogonic, adj. Of or relating to a beard.

And here’s our catch-all term. Anything and everything related to beards can be called pogonic. Pogonic washes, and conditioners. Pogonic brushes and pogonic love. And don’t forget pogonic envy, which you know everyone feels when you enter the room. Oh, and pogonic scurf, AKA beardruff or beard dandruff, which we can help you get rid of.

beard-set

There’s something old-timey about it all, and makes it sound like you’re up on the soapbox selling your wares at the World’s Fair.

Step right up, one and all, to procure for yourself—or the beard you love—one or many of our fine variety of pogonic washes and lotions, rigorously tested on the manliest of beards! Our unique formulas were developed by a team of the world’s most gifted pogonologists! Guaranteed to aid the pogonate and further the cause and progress of pogonotrophy for all. And let’s not forgot the womenfolk! If pogonotomy is not a solution (and really, why should it be?), ladies experiencing pogoniasis will find relief as well! Recommended by the most respected journals in the field of pogonology! Sir! Would you care to demonstrate for the fine folks here assembled? Just apply a small amount to your pogonion—that’s right—and massage it through the facial hair. Another satisfied customer, ladies and gentlemen!

Alright. We’ve been spending too much time in the dictionary.